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The information below covers these topics:
Positive Parenting
Teaching Responsibility
Common Discipline Problems
Dealing with Divorce


Encouraging Kids to be More Responsible:

If you want your child to be more independent and responsible, try not to be a "helicopter parent". Don't do for your child what s/he can do for himself. For example, if you're going to get up early to make breakfast for your school age or pre-teen son or daughter, make sure he or she appreciates it. Instead of constantly "reminding" your child of what she already knows (remember, reminding is often just a euphemism for nagging!), let consequences teach whenever possible.

Example: Don't keep reminding her to take her homework. Allow your child to forget her homework. It's not life threatening, and allowing the consequences to come from the teacher is usually more helpful than you're being responsible for what is hers. If you tend to do too much for your child/ren, perhaps a sign on your mirror, "don't just do something, stand there" would be helpful.

Nancy Samalin,M.S.
www.samalin.com

 
Defining Positive Discipline:

My definition of positive discipline is the ability to set limits -  which all kids need but few welcome - without putting them down. This approach is neither authoritarian - "you do it because I said so" "you do what I say, or else!" - nor permissive, "now, sweetie, it's not nice to hit people; they don't like it, Okay?" To be authoritative, that is, to set limits in areas that are important (your needs, values, safety etc.) make sure that you define what the rules are and that your kids know them, too. You may want to make a list of NON-NEGOTIABLE rules and put them in writing in a prominent place. (I like the refrigerator door-you know, that door that when kids open it, they get mesmerized!).

Nancy Samalin
www.samalin.com


What's Wrong With Reasoning With Kids?

Good question. Nothing-unless you're still under the illusion that when you give your child umpteen reasons why he can't have what he wants, you'll succeed in changing his mind. I often remind parents that kids aren't busy. We are busy. That means that children have endless patience and energy to try to persuade you to change your no into a yes. Have you noticed that your giving him more and more reasons why he can't have what he wants when he wants it has made him change his mind and stop wanting it?

Does that mean we should NEVER reason with our kids? Of course not. But before you do answer the "why can't I?" "why not?" questions, ask yourself "have I already given my child the answers to this question many, many times already?" If the answer is yes, then instead of using reasoning to try to change your child's mind, try saying something like "I'll bet you know the answer to that question" or "do you have any idea what I'm going to say?"

If your child is truly interested in the answer to her question, then, of course, give her an explanation. And before you answer "why" questions too automatically, consider the possibility of enabling your child to give you the answer that is on her mind. That also helps you to listen and understand what she is really thinking or what she has figured out for herself.

And remember, if by the age of five, you're starting to feel as if your child is ready for law school-that's a sure signal to reason less and state your case firmly and clearly without endless explanations.

Nancy Samalin
www.samalin.com


How to Win the War on Whining:

When you say no to your child or don't give him what he wants, many children--particularly preschoolers--try to wear you down by whining. And when they do, it's almost impossible not to become annoyed and frustrated. Whining is heavy-duty irritation, akin to chalk scratching on a blackboard or a baby's non-stop crying. But there are strategies parents can use, rather than giving in or getting furious.

Here's what NOT to do if you already have a child who is earning an advanced degree in whining. Don't change your no into a yes. Don't try to explain or justify your reasons for refusing to grant your child's wish. Beware. If your child has even the merest hope that the more he whines, the more chance there is that you'll give in, he will up the ante and whine more.

Instead, help your child to learn alternative, more positive ways to ask for what she wants. During a calm, pleasant moment when you have your child's attention, ask her if she knows how to ask for something in her whining voice and have her show you how she does this. Then say something like: "Yes, that is exactly the way it sounds when you ask for something in your 'whine' voice. Now let's practice your asking me for something in your 'regular' voice (or your 'Suzy' voice or your 'big girl' voice)." Compliment her when she uses that normal voice. The next time she starts to whine, instead of repeatedly telling her to "stop whining", ask her to use her regular voice. If you do this consistently, chances are you will be on the way to curing the whining habit.

Nancy Samalin
www.samalin.com


What To Do When Kids Complain, "I'm Bored":

Parents get upset when a child whines that he is bored. That statement - "I'm bored" gets a rise out of us, because we may have the mistaken belief that it is actually our job to make our children "un-bored". It isn't your responsibility to act your child's personal entertainer. Rather than suggesting-"why don't you read a book, play outside, ride your bike, call a friend, clean up your desk (Heaven forbid!)?"-to which almost every child I know will reply "That's more boring", just acknowledge the remark with a briefer "Oh" or "Oh, dear". Briefer is better, but if you can't stop there, you could say, "Well, I'm sure you'll find a way to get 'un-bored'!"

It's not helpful to criticize your child by responding in an annoyed tone: "How can you be bored when you've got so many toys, games, books?". By reacting calmly, not irritably, you're showing your child you have faith in her ability to find a way to solve her problem on her own.

In our over-stressed, fast-moving society, being bored may even have its advantages. I worry about the many kids who are so over-programmed that they're never given the opportunity to simply do nothing, to daydream or to use their imagination. Be aware, however, that it is much harder for children to entertain themselves today than in previous generations. The obvious culprit is over exposure to the media. Kids who spend too much time in front of TV will have more difficulty playing by themselves or thinking creatively. They equate entertainment with sitting in front of a screen. Think of it this way. Every time you hit the "off" button on the TV, you're giving your child a gift.

Nancy Samalin
www.samilin.com


When Siblings Fight:

Fighting and arguing among siblings is so upsetting to parents that most of them intervene too often or too quickly. Unless your kids are so angry or out of control that they're hurting each other, I suggest the "less is more" approach. Whenever possible, encourage kids to solve their own problems instead of playing judge and jury. When siblings fight, the worst three words in the English language are: "who started it?". Why? Because a) you're assuming that one child is guilty and the other innocent; b) neither is going to admit "I started it" and take the blame c) even if you discover who started it, the goal is to end it, not play detective.

Sometimes, however, you have to intervene to protect your children from hurting each other. But when you step in, it's important not to take sides. Instead state your values briefly and firmly-without accusing or attacking either child. For example, you could say: "In this home, there will be no hitting (hurting, name calling, pinching, pushing)". A statement I used with my sons was "I will not let one child I love hurt another child I love".

Be aware that fighting is fun for some kids, especially if they can pull you into the middle to take sides. But there is hope--don't assume that because they bicker, fight and argue they will never get along. And if it seems that they're "always fighting", try to notice those wonderful moments when your kids are playing, giggling, being affectionate and having fun together.

Nancy Samalin
www.samalin.com


Quality Time

Your child's self esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time you spend with him - not the amount of time that you spend.  With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused attention on what our child is saying to us.  We often pretend to listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us.  If we don't give our child genuine encounter moments (GEMS) throughout the day, he will often start to misbehave.  Negative attention in a child's mind is better than being ignored.

Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
Parenthood.com

Use Action, Not Words

Statistics say that we give our children over 200 compliance requests a day!  No wonder our children become "parent deaf!"  Instead of nagging or yelling , ask yourself, "What action could I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash socks that are unrolled.  Action speaks louder than words.

Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
www.parenthood.com


Arguing and Back-Talk
By Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting

Question: My child talks back to me in such a disrespectful way it leaves me speechless. How do I put a stop to this?

Think about it: Back-talk is addictive, so must be handled as a serious offense. A child who talks rudely to a parent once or twice and gets away with it will continue the behavior, and it will progressively get worse. Most children will attempt back-talk at some point. When a parent responds calmly and with authority the behavior will stop.

Announce your expectations: If a child has developed a habit of back-talk it will take firm action to stop the behavior. Have a meeting with your child to announce that back-talk will no longer be tolerated. Decide on a series of consequences that will occur each time back-talk occurs. Consequences may involve losing a privilege, such as telephone use, television watching, or visits with friends. They may be an additional chore, or an earlier bedtime. Then announce the sequence in which the consequences will occur. "When you talk back in a disrespectful way you will lose your telephone privileges for the day. The second offense will cause you to lose your TV show for the night. The third will . . . Each day will start with a clean slate." After the meeting, calmly and firmly follow through.

Don't empower it: Whenever a child talks back, immediately stop the conversation and walk out of the room or walk away from the child. If the child follows you, calmly and firmly announce that you will not tolerate disrespect, then pointedly ignore the child. Later, when you have calmed down, decide on an appropriate consequence for the back-talk.

Use a quarter-board: Tape your child's allowance, in quarters, to a piece of cardboard. Tell your child that each time he talks back to you he will lose a quarter from his allowance as a "fine." He'll get what's left at the end of the week. If your child uses up all the quarters, begin to add a chore, or eliminate a privilege for each offense. Start fresh with each new week. This series of events is meant to be a temporary "training" situation. When the problem seems under control, let your child know that you appreciate his efforts to control the back-talk, and that you'll no longer be charging the fine. However, make it clear that if the behavior ever becomes a problem again, you'd be happy to head to the bank for a roll of quarters.

Teach: If a normally respectful child makes a disrespectful comment, look him in the eye and make a serious, firm comment such as, "That is back-talk and is not allowed." Continue the conversation as if the back-talk did not occur, expecting the child to comply with your request. Do not empower the back-talk by arguing the issue that triggered it.
 

Catch'em Being Good

To increase the behaviors you like, always notice your child’s "good" behavior. Reinforcing behaviors you like increases the chance of that behavior returning. Say, " I really appreciate it when you (name the behavior)" Now your child knows how to get your positive attention again.

ParentNews Magazine:
Michael K. Tonjum,Ph.D.
drmt@parent.netC

 
Kids and Chores

Assigning children household chores is one of the best ways to build self-esteem and a feeling of competence. Regular chores establish helpful habits and good attitudes about work. Having chores also teaches valuable lessons about life and creates an understanding that there are jobs that must be done to run a household. Children who grow up perceiving chores as a normal part of life will find the flow into adulthood much easier than those without responsibility will.

Choose the right chores: Choose age appropriate jobs for children based on their physical and mental abilities. Most parents underestimate their children's abilities in this area. Keep in mind that a child who has mastered a complicated computer game can easily run the dishwasher! Preschoolers can handle one or two simple daily jobs. Older children can manage two or three daily jobs along with one or two weekly jobs. (See the suggested list at the end of this article.)

Take time for training. Don't assume that since your child has seen you do the task that she can do it herself. Be very specific in your instruction and demonstrate step-by-step as your child watches. The next step is to let your child help you, followed by your child doing the chore as you supervise. At the point you feel that your child has mastered the job she can take over responsibility for it.

Write it down: Children need a visual daily reminder to keep them on track doing chores. (This compares to your need for a daily planner sheet or to-do list.) A chore chart on which a child can make daily check marks is one helpful technique. An alternative is to use a pegboard made for hanging keys as a holder for tags that list a daily chore on each one. A child can flip the tags over as she completes each daily chore. At the end of the day, a parent can check for any open tags and have the child finish up before getting ready for bed.

First things first: Use the "when/then" technique. As an example, "When the pets are fed, then you may have your dinner." As a quiet reminder, the child's dinner plate can be left upside down, which means: "Run and feed the pets, then you can eat!" Other when/then routine suggestions are: "When your homework is done, then you can play outside." "When your pajamas are on and teeth brushed, then we will read a book." What makes this idea work best is when you follow the when/then rule every day.

Be specific: Be very specific in your instructions. As an example, "clean your room" is vague and can be interpreted in any number of ways. Instead, be explicit by saying, "Put your clothes in the closet, books on the shelf, dishes in the kitchen and toys in the toy box."

Bonus Day! Once in a while, just for fun, have a "Coin Collection Day." Prior to having your child complete her chores, hide pennies, nickels, or dimes around the house under the items that need to be cleaned. When all the chores are done to your satisfaction, the child gets to keep the bonus!

Chore list ideas: What follows is a list of ideas from which you can choose a few chores for your child. The idea is not to turn your child into Cinderella! Simply review the list, consider your child's age, ability, and personality, and select chores appropriate for your child. Preschoolers can handle one or two simple jobs. As children get older and more capable they can handle a larger quantity of jobs, as well as those that are more complex.

Ages 2 to 3: Put toys away, fill pet's food dish, put clothes in hamper, wipe up spills, dust, pile books or magazines, choose clothes and dress self.

Ages 4 to 5: Above plus, make own bed, empty wastebaskets, bring in mail or newspaper, clear table, pull weeds, use hand-held vacuum to pick up crumbs, water flowers, unload utensils from dishwasher, wash plastic dishes at sink, fix bowl of cereal.

Ages 6 to 7: Above plus, sort laundry, sweep floors, handle personal hygiene, set and clear table, help make and pack lunch, weed, rake leaves, keep bedroom tidy, pour own drinks, answer telephone.

Ages 8 to 9: Above plus, load dishwasher, put away groceries, vacuum, help make dinner, make own snacks, wash table after meals, put away own laundry, sew buttons, run own bath, make own breakfast, peel vegetables, cook simple food (such as toast), mop floor, take pet for a walk, pack own suitcase

Ages 10 and up: Above plus, unload dishwasher, fold laundry, clean bathroom, wash windows, wash car, cook simple meal with supervision, iron clothes, do laundry, baby-sit younger siblings (with adult in the home), mow lawn, clean kitchen, clean oven, change bed, make cookies or cake from box mix, plan birthday party, have neighborhood job - such as pet care or yard work, or have a paper route.

By Elizabeth Pantley,
Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation
www.parent.net


PARENTING DURING DIVORCE

Effective parenting is an enormous task under the best of circumstances. Parenting during times of personal tragedy or crisis may seem almost impossible. Not only are divorce and separation likely to feel like times of personal crisis, they are times which require effective parenting. The recent trend towards shared parenting by both parents, commonly called joint custody, requires that spouses who may feel unable to communicate with each other, must work cooperatively as parents. Often that may seem like an absolutely impossible task. What follows are some general guidelines for helping people parent during divorce.

DO:

1. Talk to your children about divorce. Let them know there are no rights or wrongs. The marriage is not working out and Mom and Dad must live apart. Children initially may question, ask the reasons, and even challenge your motives. (Remember, you need not justify your motives. Give reasons that are at your child's developmental level.)

2. Try to keep things stable for the first year if at all possible. Keep children in the same day care centers, schools, activities, etc. The school has often become the secure spot for children whose families are divorcing.

3. Let other adults, such as teachers and babysitters who are involved with your children, know as soon as possible about the separation. This may be hard to do at a time when you feel uncertain and vulnerable. However, it will help other adults whom your children may love and trust to understand your children's behavior changes and to help them adjust.

4. Keep your children up to date as your plans develop and or change. Let them be the first to know of a planned move, or a change in scheduling time for them to be with the other parent, or any other change of living arrangements. Try to be consistent and follow through with your plans.

5. Stop to listen to your children's concerns. Concerns which seem small from an adult perspective may loom large to a child.

6. Create a sense of a new home and a complete family for your children. While it's true traditional families consist of two parents, you alone can create a complete family by developing a sense of belonging, with common rules and experiences, and good as well as bad time shared together.

DON' T:

1. Talk negatively about the other parent in front of your children. It may force them into feeling that they must take sides. This is a difficult position to be in as most children want to love both parents.

2. Use your children to convey messages to your ex-spouse. Your child will be placed in an untenable position if the message is negatively charged, of making you unhappy if he or she doesn't relay it, or making the other parent unhappy if he or she does. (Many children placed in this position see no other remedy than to lie to both parents. Call your ex-spouse yourself or ask a friend or professional to convey messages.)

Even with the best efforts a parent can make, some children may not seem to be adjusting to their new life style. Developmentally, they may have taken steps backwards instead of forward. They may seem less secure, less happy, or less outgoing than before. Some children need professional support to adjust to a divorce. Find a mental health professional who has experience working with children and one with whom you have confidence. Don't be afraid to ask questions and share your concerns. Most of all, don't feel you are naturally at fault. Rather, try to view it as part of the overall adjustment period that will help him or her accommodate to the divorce and aid in his or her growth as a well-adjusted individual.

Submitted by:
Jan Levinson Gilman, Ph.D.
CIL Counseling Services

 

Adjusting In A Blended Family

Blending families is never easy... In the modern step-family, we call them blended families these days... One of the most common conflicts that can occur between parents can be characterized by one parent saying to the other... "Your child is being mean to my child and you are taking his side."

The real difficulty is in coming to the understanding that the children in your new family now have two kinds of parents. The children involved each have one biological parent and each has a new step-parent. (And if the child's other biological parent is remarried, the child now has two such blended homes.)

Time is on your side: One of the most important aspects of developing a healthy blended family is to remember that love develops over time. As adults your relationship took time to develop. You met, dated, fell in love, planned a wedding and married. Even if the children involved were a big part of all that time, once you married the clock may have started over. Children take time to develop relationships. Don't rush the process. If a step-parent is patient and loving, most children will also slowly develop feelings of attachment and caring.

The struggle with authority: In the new blended family, children are often resentful of having to answer to another adult. The cry is usually, "You are not my father (mother)... You can't tell me what to do!" The children are going to struggle with the new step-parent's authority and complain to their biological parent that they feel treated unfairly... and in many cases... they are right, because its hard, very hard, to treat another person's child with the same compassion and understanding as you would your own child.

Or to put it a different way... the step-parent is sometimes more objective of the step-child and thus appears less understanding and even critical. Thus, in an attempt to really demonstrate their own good parenting and genuine caring, the step-parent will make comments or judge behavior of the step-child in a way that feels harsh to the child and promotes defensiveness in the biological parent.

Step-Parenting takes trust: In all families parents must recognize the importance of trust. In the blended family this is especially true. Both parents must find a way to trust each other. If you had created this family through birth (of the children), rather then through remarriage, you would still have differences in your parenting styles. Through communication and understanding, a trust for the individual style of parenting develops.

Different is not always bad... but different can be scary. Talk with each other about not only the different values or rules, but about your feelings about the change such differences can bring to a family. The modeling of communication and acceptance is important for the children to witness. So... you must find a way to talk about these differences... make compromises... and form a united front for the sake of the children's sense of security and ultimate adjustment.

If you find this process of blending families just too upsetting to the marital relationship... by all means don't just give up... seek the help and advice of a family therapist who has experience working with step-family problems.

www.parent.net


 Communicating With Children

Communicating effectively with children is dependent upon learning to be a good listener. Although parents hear children talking every day and carry on conversations with them, good communication is not always taking place.

When your child talks, make an effort to really listen. Stop whatever you are doing, establish eye contact and pay attention to what your child is saying. Quite often what is said between the lines is just as important as the words being spoken. Demonstrate an interest in what your child is saying by asking appropriate questions and responding in a positive manner. If a child's comments are continually passed off as being of little consequence, the child will begin to feel that his/her opinions are not important.

Find ways to communicate to your child that you think he/she is important. Compliment achievements and efforts with no strings attached. Compliments can be good motivators and help show that you really notice your child.

Teaching children to be good listeners can help prevent many problems that might occur at home or at school.

There are many excellent listening techniques that can be followed. These techniques will make a difference when a problem or misunderstanding is discussed. Practice these techniques at home and teach children how to become good listeners.
  • Encourage the other person to speak freely.
  • Try to consider both points of view being discussed.
  • Do not make up your mind before the conversation begins.
  • Stick to the facts.
  • Look for the use of body language that can be a key to a person's feelings.
  • Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
  • Make an effort to listen and pay attention. People can tell when others are listening.
  • Ask questions which lead to an understanding of the situation.
Being a good listener is a learned task. The technique of good listening takes hard work and effort. There are many benefits of effective listening that can be utilized by both parents and children.

Remember, open communication with your child is critical. Parents should be the most important listeners a child has. Show that you care by making your child feel important enough to be heard.

Patricia O'Leary, Principal
Village School
www.parent.net


Nine Things To Do Instead of Spanking

Research confirms what many parents instinctively feel when they don't like to spank their child, but they don't know what else to do. The latest research from Dr. Murray Strauss at the Family Research Laboratory affirms that spanking teaches children to use acts of aggression and violence to solve their problems. It only teaches and perpetuates more violence, the very thing our society is so concerned about. This research further shows that children who have been spanked are more prone to low self-esteem, depression and accept lower paying jobs as adults. So, what do you do instead?

1 – Get Calm
First, if you feel angry and out of control and you want to spank or slap your child, leave the situation if you can. Calm down and get quiet. In that quiet time you will often find an alternative or solution to the problem. Sometimes parents lose it because they are under a lot of stress. Dinner is boiling over, the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and your child drops the can of peas and you lose it. If you can't leave the situation, then mentally step back and count to ten.

2 - Take Time for Yourself
Parents are more prone to use spanking when they haven't had any time to themselves and they feel depleted and hurried. So, it is important for parents to take some time for themselves to exercise, read, take a walk or pray.

3 - Be Kind but Firm
Another frustrating situation where parents tend to spank is when your child hasn't listened to your repeated requests to behave. Finally, you spank to get your child to act appropriately. Another solution in these situations is to get down on your child's level, make eye contact, touch him gently and tell him, in a short, kind but firm phrase, what it is you want him to do. For example, "I want you to play quietly."

4 - Give Choices
Giving your child a choice is an effective alternative to spanking. If she is playing with her food at the table ask, Would you like to stop playing with your food or would you like to leave the table?" If the child continues to play with her food, you use kind but firm action by helping her down from the table. Then tell her that she can return to the table when she is ready to eat her food without playing in it.

5 - Use Logical Consequences
Consequences that are logically related to the behavior help teach children responsibility. For example, your child breaks a neighbor's window and you punish him by spanking him. What does he learn about the situation? He may learn to never do that again, but he also learns that he needs to hide his mistakes, blame it on someone else, lie, or simply not get caught. He may decide that he is bad or feel anger and revenge toward the parent who spanked him. When you spank a child, he may behave because he is afraid to get hit again. However, do you want your child to behave because he is afraid of you or because he respects you?

Compare that situation to a child who breaks a neighbor's window and his parent says, "I see you've broken the window, what will you do to repair it?" using a kind but firm tone of voice. The child decides to mow the neighbor's lawn and wash his car several times to repay the cost of breaking the window. What does the child learn in this situation? That mistakes are an inevitable part of life and it isn't so important that he made the mistake but that he takes responsibility to repair the mistake. The focus is taken off the mistake and put on taking responsibility for repairing it. The child feels no anger or revenge toward his parent. And most importantly the child's self-esteem is not damaged.

6 - Do Make Ups
When children break agreements, parents tend to want to punish them An alternative is to have your child do a make-up. A make-up is something that people do to put themselves back into integrity with the person they broke the agreement with. For example, several boys were at a sleep-over at Larry's home. His father requested that they not leave the house after midnight. The boys broke their agreement. The father was angry and punished them by telling them they couldn't have a sleep-over for two months. Larry and his friends became angry, sullen and uncooperative as a result of the punishment. The father realized what he had done. He apologized for punishing them and told them how betrayed he felt and discussed the importance of keeping their word. He then asked the boys for a make-up. They decided to cut the lumber that the father needed to have cut in their backyard. The boys became excited and enthusiastic about the project and later kept their word on future sleep-overs.

7 - Withdraw from Conflict
Children who sass back at parents may provoke a parent to slap. In this situation, it is best if you withdraw from the situation immediately. Do not leave the room in anger or defeat. Calmly say, "I'll be in the next room when you want to talk more respectfully.

8 - Use kind but firm action
Instead of smacking an infant's hand or bottom when she touches something she isn't supposed to, kindly but firmly pick her up and take her to the next room. Offer her a toy or another item to distract her and say, "You can try again later." You may have to take her out several times if she is persistent.

9 - Inform Children Ahead of Time
A child's temper tantrum can easily set a parent off. Children frequently throw tantrums when they feel uninformed or powerless in a situation. Instead of telling your child he has to leave his friend's house at a moment's notice, tell him that you will be leaving in five minutes. This allows the child to complete what he was in the process of doing.

Aggression is an obvious form of perpetuating violence in society. A more subtle form of this is spanking because it takes its toll on a child's self-esteem, dampening his enthusiasm and causing him to be rebellious and uncooperative. Consider for a moment the vision of a family that knows how to win cooperation and creatively solve their problems without using force or violence. The alternatives are limitless and the results are calmer parents who feel more supported.

By Kathryn Kvols

Kathryn Kvols is the president of the International Network for Children and Families and the author of Redirecting Children's Behavior. She is also a national speaker and workshop leader.  www.parent.net
 

Using Humor to Win Parenting's Little Battles

"We do the Safety Chicken," explains Lise Pyles, the mother of two young boys."I used to have trouble getting my sons to lock their car doors and buckle up properly, and I got tired of nagging-which made us all grumpy. So one day, after we had just gotten in the car, I turned to them and said, 'Do you know what the Safety Chicken says?'

They shook their heads. I then cackled in my best clucky chicken voice, "Laawwk, laawwk, buck-kle! Laawwk, laawwk, buck-kle!' And I kept clucking at them like a mad chicken until they laughingly got buckled up. After that, every time we'd get in the car, it was a game to do the Safety Chicken, and there were no more problems about locking and buckling."

The "Safety Chicken" is a wonderful example of one of the joys of parenting-the ability to use humor in the family for the benefit of both kids and parents. According to Steven Sultanoff, Ph.D., president of the American Association for Therapeutic Humor, "It's the parents' responsibility to teach maintenance functions such as love, honesty and humor." Humor is a tremendous stress-reducer and coping tool, he notes. Sultanoff believes that "humor changes the way we see the world. Certainly in this world where children and adults use guns to cope, we owe it to ourselves and our children to teach them more positive ways to meet life's challenges."

It's well-documented that laughter reduces stress and physiologically benefits the body and overall health. But using humor and laughter also changes the emotional tone of a situation. In the Safety Chicken scenario, buckling up became a silly pleasure rather than an adversarial or disciplinary situation.

How humor helps
Humor influences our family memories. If you think of your stock of anecdotes involving family and friends, they're largely based on stressful circumstances that now just seem funny. Humor is also a tremendous teaching technique. Using humor, as a parent, teaches your child that you don't take everything too seriously, that not everything he does is a matter of life or death.

But when you are tired and overwhelmed or angry at your child's behavior, how can you use humor? First, realize that you can't win every battle in parenting. You have to pick and choose. Fighting about every situation means you have a boot camp, not a home.

Take a tip from the Safety Chicken: Try to see the funny side of some circumstances. Mom Donna Papacosta says, "Sometimes when I feel I'm losing it, yelling at my daughter because her room is a disgusting mess, I will realize how petty tidiness is in the larger scheme of things. So I will switch gears and continue to raise my voice, but in an exaggerated way, saying 'Yes, I am the Mommy Monster!' Usually we will both start laughing. With any luck, she may also clean her room!" Dirty rooms, household chores, doing homework: All may give rise to occasions where humor rather than negativity will produce a better result.

Remember this rule, however: Humor is not sarcasm. Don't ever put your child down. This will increase rather than decrease the distance between parent and child. Poke fun at the situation. Turn the laughter on yourself or others, but don't demean your child.

Another great opportunity to use humor is when your child is dealing with difficulties with peers or at school. Perhaps he is being bullied or teased by others. By taking a humorous look at what's happening, or offering options for humor in dealing with the bully or teasers, you can sometimes defuse the tension.

Many parents have lived through times when their child finds himself in danger in some minor way, but comes home with only a little wear-and-tear. The natural reaction is to be angry-but also relieved that your child survived the experience. Remember that your child at this point is usually remorseful and scared to death. No need for lectures; instead, deflect the emotional content of the situation with humor. Marilyn Mobley remembers the time when her daughter was riding a go-cart and flipped over, banging her knee badly. "I didn't fuss at her. She was doing enough self-punishing. I couldn't possibly top it. I just said, 'Well, at least it was your knee. That can be replaced. We couldn't possibly afford a new head as pretty as yours.' " When a lesson has already been learned, use humor.

Parent as model
As with most things, kids learn about using humor through your example. The next time you scorch the dinner, drop a plate, or do something totally inept, stop for a minute before you react. Is what happened worth screaming over? Is it really a life-shattering event? Laugh at yourself, and you teach your children to do the same. Or just use silliness to add lightness to life.

Sultanoff used to put on a fake red nose a la Ronald MacDonald when he took his children out to fast-food restaurants. He reports that his children were both mortified and delighted. Some families formalize humor, teaching an appreciation as they would for music or art. One family tells jokes at the dinner table and discusses why different kinds of humor appeal to individual members of the family. Another family sets aside family time to watch humorous videos together. Yet another specializes in practical jokes. The upshot in each case: happy quality time that is sure to be remembered 10 or 20 years from now.

Pick out those times in your parenting life when humor will be healthy and healing. You will spread a lot of joy-and add strength to your family.

Ferne Cherne,
www.parenthood.com  ]]>